Death of a parent

 Death of a parent

Anonymous 

When I was 19 years old, my mother died. Being a Seventh-day Adventist, I knew what the Bible teaches about death. Yet, I refused to be comforted. Each day, I would spend hours in the basement, alone. This annoyed my father, and from time to time he would try to encourage me to socialize and open up, but I refused. When persons visited, they would say cliché things like “God understands”, and politely, I accommodated their attempt to comfort me. But as far as I was concerned, they were wasting their time.

And here is the irony. I had prayed for my mother to die.

My mother died of cancer. She was getting treatment in another country and so when they called and told us that she was near death, we traveled overseas the very next day. Immediately upon landing, we headed straight to the hospital.

When I walked into the hospital room, a spirit of annoyance slowly overwhelmed me. Having scanned the room, I did not see my mother. I was annoyed that the hospital staff had sent us to the wrong room! But the truth was, she was there – just unrecognizable. The cancer had destroyed her physical appearance. Seeing my mother emaciated, in pain and suffering, was extremely difficult for me. And so that night, I prayed earnestly for her to die so that she would no longer experience the pain and humiliation of a slow death. She died the next day. When I saw her, she really looked asleep and I experienced relief – but it was short-lived.

The emotions that descended afterwards were a mix of depression that I no longer had a mother (my closest friend), and anger at God for all of the suffering that my mother experienced – because I thought it was unfair. And so my greatest challenge overall was, what I am to think of you, God? Who are You, really? Can I really trust You?

During this period, I couldn’t really pray. The only words that I could muster up in prayer were the words, “Help me”. In the basement though, I played religious music, and it was one song that initiated my renewal. It was a song by Sandi Patti that referenced Jesus’ death on the cross, and while the song played, it came to my spirit that His death was also, UNFAIR. That caused me to reflect and ultimately led to my recovery.

Dealing with the death of a loved one can be extremely difficult. My advice to anyone who wishes to support a grieving person would be:

·         Let the grieving one know that you are sorry for his/her pain and that you are praying for him/her - and then actually pray. Avoid the cliché lectures.

·         Stop asking how persons are (e.g. How are you?). Isn’t it obvious? How is someone to respond when the same question is repeated 50 times by 50 different persons? Instead, offer to support. Let the individual know that you are available to talk whenever they need a listening ear.

·         Keep checking in AFTER the funeral. Support is also needed then.

Heavenly Father,

You know the depth of our pain when we lose someone we love. You see the anger, the questions, and the silence when words fail. Thank You that even when we can only whisper, “Help me,” You still hear us.

Lord, comfort every grieving heart with the assurance that You are near to the brokenhearted. Teach us to trust You, even when life feels unfair. Remind us that Jesus Himself suffered, and through His wounds we can find hope and healing.

Help us to be gentle with ourselves in our grief and compassionate toward others who mourn. May we offer presence instead of platitudes, prayers instead of lectures, and love that continues long after the funeral ends.

Restore our faith, renew our hope, and anchor our hearts in Your unfailing love until that day when death itself will be no more.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.