October 23: Grace for the Journey: Loving a Parent Through Dementia

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Living with a Parent with Dementia
Del Edwards, Bodden Town SDA Church

Isaiah 46:4 (NIV)

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

Having a parent with Alzheimer's dementia has been life-changing. I now find myself parenting my father. But I am grateful that God has given me a spirit of patience which is essential in circumstances like mine. He provided one of my sisters with a position providing professional counselling for caregivers of persons with Alzheimer's disease. Her knowledge has helped us to make adequate emotional and financial preparations for the future. God is so good.

The best advice I would give to someone experiencing a situation similar to my own is to treat every encounter with your loved one as if it were your first time interacting with them AND your last time interacting with them. Before I knew that it was the disease that was causing the shifts in personality, the forgetfulness and the irrationality, I felt angry. I didn't realize that my father was having memory issues and thought that he was badgering me to do something that I had repeatedly told him I did not want to do. What I realized was that every time he'd approached me with the same request, it was the FIRST time in HIS mind. He really didn't remember ever speaking to me about something that was obviously pressing on his mind.

I found some rules to live by that have made a world of difference in our relationship during this time. I TRY to follow them religiously:

RULES FOR LIVING WITH DEMENTIA [1]

  1. Agree, never argue

  2. Divert, never reason

  3. Distract, never shame

  4. Reassure, never lecture

  5. Reminisce, never say "remember"

  6. Repeat, never say "I told you"

  7. Do what THEY can do, never say "you can't"

  8. Ask, never demand

  9. Encourage, never condescend

  10. Reinforce, never force

The kind of support that someone can give caretakers is simple. Offer to assist with caring for the older person every once in a while. Even if the offer is not accepted, the knowledge that SOMEONE sees and SOMEONE cares enough to extend help is powerful. And if someone trusts you enough to leave their loved one in your care, please follow the rules that I have shared above so that the encounter can be as positive an experience as possible.

Even though the person with dementia may never remember how you treated them, YOU will remember and God will most certainly provide your just reward.

Prayer:
Loving Father,
Thank You for the strength and patience You provide each day. When caring for a parent feels overwhelming, remind us that You care for both of us with endless compassion. Help us to love with gentleness, serve with grace, and find peace in Your sustaining presence.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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